Water With Lemon

Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush...

2009-10-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

So...Masquerade the Pretty Waitress is no longer a waitress.

Should I blog about the wonders of the banking world or put this beautiful little blog to rest?

What do you think?

2009-09-11T23:25:00.001-07:00

Bleh. So ready to quit. Nights like this arent worth it.

Bz Bz Bz...

2009-09-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone (every 1 of you that reads this, that is), sorry about the lack of posting lately. As you may have guessed from my previous post I've picked up another job, so right now my days are anywhere from 12 - 16 or more hours straight of work. Hopefully you can understand why I may not be posting as much!

Also my laptop is giving me issues. The 's' and the 'u' keys are being little bastards and I have a giant crack in my screen that I should be getting replaced tomorrow, but not sure, as I don't know if my repairman realized tomorrow was Labor Day when he scheduled. Then again he may know perfectly well and is excited about the double time and a half he'll be getting. Hope my other job does holiday pay too.

Also hoping for it to be super busy tonight. I'd love to have enough for rent money instead of bouncing a check as I'm planning on doing. I have horrible priorities when it comes to money. When I have a little bit of time I'll be sure to post how the new job is going as well as whether my move was successful or if I curled into a fetal position from a mental breakdown because of stress.

Oh, and pictures of the new place should anybody be interested. My first apartment by myself, yay! Me and my cat, my friend's cat, my hamster, my fishtank, and a stray human I picked up off the street (not really, he's a guy from work without a home right now) will all be moving in this week.

God, I'm practically having an aneurysm thinking of all the work ahead. Ugh.

2009-08-26T08:43:00.001-07:00

Well I am not sure if working two jobs is worth it yet. I guess I will know for sure when I get into the new place. Yay. Apartment to myself!

2009-08-18T14:47:00.001-07:00

DID YOU NOT SEE THE SIGN THAT SAYS PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED?! ARE YOU BLIND?!?!

Poll Results

2009-08-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so most of you hate the new colors.

Sucks to be you. It's not changing.

I Hate the Economy

2009-08-04T13:42:00.001-07:00

Well right now I'm looking for another job. I still work at the restaurant but business is so slow I can't bear it anymore.

Do me a favor please. Just click here. All you have to do is put in your name and email, and your spam filter will take care of it. Hey, you might even decide you're interested in joining too.

Thank you all so much in advance. Hopefully this will be a good alternative to prostitution.

For Everything Else...

2009-07-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

Two meals and drinks: $36

Total tip left on said meal: $3.50 in quarters

Camping in somebody's four booth section for three hours on a busy weeknight: Priceless.

I fucking hate those fat bitches. It would be ok if it was once in a while but it's every. Fucking. Week.

Their server ALWAYS gets shafted, and they ALWAYS camp for at least two hours.

I hate my life.

Customer Common Sense I

2009-07-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

If I seat you and you move of your own free will, do NOT expect me to track you down for your order. I will be ignoring you until it is no longer feasibly possible and pawn you off on another server if I can.

WAIT TO BE SEATED and KEEP YOUR ASSES IN THE CHAIRS WE PLOP YOU IN!

Holy Crap

2009-07-26T01:09:00.001-07:00

I don't know if any of you have sexy cooks at work, but I have two, and tonight before I left they were both standing next to each other and talking to me. I just about fainted, I couldn't stop looking at them both.

Good night, long, but good, with decent money. Just too bad I have to work 10 hours to get what I should be getting in 6-8.

Oh my god, so sexy.

The Difference Between Managers

2009-07-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

I think it's so funny the way different managers ask you to do something or thank you for doing a certain thing. One of the assistant managers will just ask you to fill in on a shift, and tell you several times through the night that she appreciates it. The other one, who's responsible for scheduling, needs reassurance that you can handle a double when you pick up a shift for another server, especially if you have a medical history that's caused you to have to call out before.

Just thinking about that because I'm headed into a potential 12 hour shift, maybe shorter or longer depending on who else is scheduled. Do you notice different reactions about long shifts from your various managers? Especially if you're not normally scheduled for more than 6 or 7 hour increments?

I Love Ribeye

2009-07-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

Auntie EM Says:
November 14th, 2007 at 4:26 pm

The 11th Commandment:

Thou shalt not paw thy server.

(from this post.)

A Non-poll Poll

2009-07-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Just curious, is there a particular minority or disability class that you seem to attract? For me it's deaf people. For some reason I always get the deaf people, had two tables of them two days in a row. The only things I can say in ASL are 'how are you?' and 'I'm sorry I don't know sign language' so I'm pretty sure it's not because I'm better at communicating. Generally, though, most of them read lips or have a translator that can partially hear so it works out ok. The trick is to always look at their faces and speak slowly. Yelling really doesn't help, I promise.

So just wondering. Any particular group of people you ALWAYS seem to get sat with?

Public Service Announcement

2009-07-22T18:15:00.001-07:00

My restaurant is unique because it's open late and has free Wi-Fi, so once in a while if I can't sleep or I'm bored I'll head over there with my laptop and hang out with some of the other servers.

You know how some open late restaurants get regulars that will stop in for coffee while they try to sober up? You do? Great! Then say it with me...

I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING YOUR SMELLY DRUNK ASS HAS TO SAY TO ME.

I'm so glad I wasn't working the late shift last night. One of those drunkards came in and just talked. And talked. And bloody fucking talked. Didn't matter if you ignored him, he'd still talk in your general direction. And talk. And talk some more. I was about ready to smack him on his lopsided, inbred face. Holy hell.

If I'm not waiting on you or not working, and I'm not paying attention to you, do not talk to me. And all the gods help you if you even THINK about touching me.

I Do Belive In Faeries!!!

2009-07-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

I do, I do, I do!!

Ok, maybe not really, but I DO think the Almighty Karma of the Restaurant Gods MUST exist. I hate the idea of karma generally but there's just something about waitressing that convinces me that the gods of the restaurant industry are watching our asses. How else do you explain the past few nights?

Business has been abysmally slow, so bad in fact that I'm severely in debt and in danger of being evicted. Some of this is due to poor budgeting but it also has something to do with the general lack of business coming in. However...

When you get a $2 on a $28...

Then a $3 on a $30 takeout order...

And a $0 on a $37...

And finally a $10 on a $10...

What else can one think but that Somebody Somewhere is covering your poor ass?

Some people are just amazingly generous. I am so thankful for them, and I hope wherever you work there are enough incredible people to balance the douchenozzle asshats that think if we don't like not making money we should find another job.

Fuckwads.

Also, there are lots and lots of new hires. Most of them seem ok so far. The dishwasher tonight was amazing. He's an older guy, but he kept our bus buckets empty and would help out whenever we needed. So far, so good.

And finally...

If you need to shit so badly that you completely miss the toilet and spread it all over the bathroom, you could at least come tell us!!!

The other night as I was leaving the most disgusting smell was beginning to permeate the restaurant. I thought one of the customers had really bad gas or something, but it turns out that somebody had gone into the men's bathroom (which is right by the front door) and had taken a shit on the floor, over the urinal, and over half the walls, then LEFT without saying a word to anybody!!! Our poor dishwasher Galoshes had to clean it all up. He had to clean up a kid's puke one time too. They really don't get paid enough to deal with bodily wastes like that.

Hope he gets a bonus this year.

Pico de WHAT-a?!

2009-07-16T02:48:00.000-07:00

My gosh. If you don't know how to pronounce something, don't order it. If I repeat it and it sounds different, it's because I'm subtly correcting you. Don't mind me, I just do it because your stupidity pisses me off.

Pico de Gallo - The two l's sound like a y. It sounds like guy-oh, not gahl-oh and not gahl-a.

Medley - Med-lee. Not melody. Med-lee. Is this one really that hard? I won't accept that 36% of my customer base is dyslexic. I guess it's entirely possible but, still...

Potato - Poh-tay-toh. There are no b's or d's in this word. It is not a buhdaydo, mashed or otherwise. Everytime somebody says this I have a mental image of Samwise Gamgee saying "POH-TAY-TOES!!!"

Scramble - This is a noun, not an adjective (or an adverb...not sure which it is). Unless you're ordering the cook himself I don't want to hear you asking for the meat scrambler.

It's also not necessary to pronounce every single word in the title of an item. I don't need to know that you want the Incredibly Delicious Slightly Spicy Terrifically Tasty Nachos. Really.

And please...if you're old, bring your goddamned glasses. I don't want to sit around for ten minutes while your spouse reads the entire list of side dishes to you. Also please read the entire description of a meal before asking questions. I don't accept 'Oh, it comes with THAT?!' when it's VERY CLEARLY STATED in the menu.

AND WAIT YOUR EFFING TURN TO BE SEATED!!!

2009-07-12T16:49:00.001-07:00

Hey. Sorry if I?m running in 8 different directions and give you less change than you should have. It was so very fucking sweet of you to grace me with an 8% tip after ordering 5 fucking shakes. Bet you wouldnt have said a word if you got too much change instead, ugly whore.

As Purplegirl Would Say...

2009-07-08T19:01:00.001-07:00

A giant, hearty, FUCK YOU very much to the table who came in 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave and stayed for nearly an hour, leaving exactly a 5% tip. I LOVED serving you and I'm SO GLAD you decided to grace me with your presence. You were far more fun than laying at home in bed with a sore leg up.

And I must give another FUCK YOU VERY MUCH to the retarded coworker who borrowed ten dollars from me on Monday, 'didn't have it' Tuesday, and got suspended Wednesday. Now I not ONLY have to cover your Wednesday and Thursday shifts, which leaves me with a whole ONE day off out of FIFTEEN, but I'm ten bucks short on my bills because I sure as fuck know I'll never get it back from you.

Finally, one last FUCK YOU VERY MUCH to the happy table of five old farts that refused to stop talking when I approached the table and tried to ask how things were, what you needed or wanted, if there was anything I could get you. I LOVE being ignored. Totally makes my night.

I fucking hate people some days. If it weren't for my cat I think I'd be back in a psych ward by now.

Well Then.

2009-07-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

While some of you are perfectly happy with how things are (love you guys!!!) half of the rest said you weren't a fan of the color, the other half said it was a little too bright, but still looked great.

With that being said, I've decided to fiddle with this place a bit. It will probably still be stripey, and there will still be some yellow, but I do need to tone the color down a bit. Almost makes me wanna do my celerystabbitiness.

I <3 Passive Aggressive Girls

2009-07-06T09:31:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at work I was super angry at everything, so I found a fun little way to be passive aggressive to all those freaks that want 'just water with some lemon'.

It's called club soda. Fill the glass up nearly all the way with regular water and add a quick second-long spray of club soda. Being evil feels SO good.

Any other passive aggressive suggestions that don't include bodily functions?

2009-07-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

Leaving $2.50 on a $22.00 bill is NOT incentive to let you camp for an hour!!! I hate your fat asses. You do it every time you come in!

Desensitization

2009-07-05T05:10:00.000-07:00

I just realized a minute ago that I don't actually expect anybody to answer the 'How are you today?' question, so when somebody says 'Great, and how are YOU doing?' I get flustered and start stuttering.

Am I really THAT jaded already?!

Just a Note to Say...

2009-07-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

I DO see you there and I WILL come take your order when I'm damn ready. Sit your butt down in a booth and STAY there. Quit coming up to the counter to find me when I've been gone for two minutes.

And you other people, fuck you very much for that $2.00 tip on a $37.00 bill and your $4.00 on a $63.00 bill. People like you make me want murder things with celery stalks.

Equal Rights For Water

2009-07-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

One thing I've noticed that really bugs me recently is somebody saying 'I'll JUST have water'.

In my mind it's STILL a drink. I STILL have to fill a glass with ice and I STILL have to press a button on the soda fountain and I STILL have to bring you a straw. So water is no less work for me; if anything it's MORE because we use different glasses for water than we do for soda and the water glasses are almost always spotted and gross-looking, so you have to paw through the rack to find a clean one and blahblahblah.

Please. It's not JUST water. It's still a drink.

So, Funny Story...

2009-06-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

Hmmm. A corporate bigwig was in today talking with both AMs and one of the other servers. I 'just happened' to be cleaning a table in the area and heard a bit of their conversation. Something about the GM stealing alcohol from this server? Who, as I might or might not have mentioned, is a 17 year old that gets more hours than any other server. She lives on daddy's money and has a car payment for bills, and that's it. Pisses me off to no end.

Anyway there may be some interesting changes coming in Water with Lemon world soon. Stay tuned!

Oh, and I also pawned off a super-bitch table today. It was great. I have to be up at 6 for my next shift (after getting home at 11) so super short post tonight, but if I get reminded I may tell about the super-bitch table and my last super-irritating table. Fun times, fun times.

2009-06-28T16:30:00.001-07:00

If you can't fit into the booths you should not be eating in the first place, much less demanding a table and more of everything you touch.

Piercings Must Work!

2009-06-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today I overslept and got to work late for the first time in weeks. The GM took me aside and asked why I was late, and of course I told him the truth. He said, "This is the last time, you were late yesterday too." I just blinked. I haven't been late since I moved into my new apartment! I didn't argue with him, but I checked my time slip when I logged out for a break, and sure enough the day before I had logged in at 3:49 for my 4:00 shift. That made me SUPER pissed, and I was already in a bad mood from lack of sleep and my sciatic nerve being very painful.

The rest of the night went ok after the GM left. One of my coworkers noticed I wasn't moving very fast and asked what was wrong, so I told her about how my back burns. If you've ever had sciatica issues you know what it's like: the burning running down your leg if you bend or twist the wrong way, how it takes about three minutes to straighten up fully after sitting down. In any case she mentioned it to the manager and I got cut from the floor about a half hour early. Not much, but it got me out of work and to my pain pills sooner.

All in all not a bad day. Tip percentages have been well over 20% yesterday and today, and I think I may have discovered a secret. If you're lonely, get a labret piercing. In the past week since I had it done a few different guys have started hitting on me, and tonight I got my first phone number ever! I think it was because I forgot to take out the metal piece I had; I usually trade it for a clear retainer, but again I overslept so I kind of forgot. Who knows.

Sucks for them though because I <3 girls.

Sorry About Comments!

2009-06-19T01:35:00.001-07:00

For some reason the embedded comment form was NOT working, so I've turned it into a popup window. I'm sorry to everybody that's been trying to leave comments, and THANK YOU for being concerned about it! I was afraid nobody cared about me anymore!!!

<3 to all.

Must Be Psychic

2009-06-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Remember that chick I talked about here that got mad at me about her stupid kid's meal and wrote a comment card I never saw? Well I called it exactly right. She got free food from my manager and I got no reprimand or conversation. I had to ask the GM about it before I was told that she said I 'argued with her about the meal', which is complete bullshit. I hate some people.

Purplegirl would say it's all about customer perception. I say it's about customer stupidity and we should not have to serve people with IQs lower than their total bills.

Also, a whole bunch of people are getting back from suspension; one of them was a complete idiot and was late today, on her first day back from suspension. Freakin' retard. I think I would have fired her on the spot. I'm sure she's on perilously thin ice at the moment, and I have to be honest, it amuses me. I like to see slackers get what they deserve.

Poll Results

2009-06-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of surprised about the results of this poll:

No touching, ever. - 40%
It's ok within reason when initiated by the server. - 21%
It's ok within reason when initiated by the customer. - 15%
It's ok but I'm not comfortable with it so I don't do it. - 15%
The more contact, the better! - 6%

I thought for sure that 'ok but not comfortable' would at least be second, but I guess more of you don't mind interaction than I suspected.

Being EVIL is Fun!

2009-06-12T02:14:00.001-07:00

I try very hard to treat all my tables the same, whether they're self-seaters, old people, ghetto, white trash, whatever. That's the beauty of being a server; you see so many people in the space of a day that a lot of times your preconceived notions go right out the window. But sometimes...sometimes I wish SO HARD that I can be mean, and finally I was, right before getting off the floor.

Anybody who knows me can tell you that the top three things I hate dealing with are self-seaters, messy, loud children, and teenagers. There are always exceptions to these dislikes, but generally they're my least favorite types of people to wait on. So it's about 10:45 and I was supposed to be off at 10:00, but due to a shortage in staff I told the manager I'd stay until 11:00 or so. I didn't even see this guy come in, but he apparently grabbed a menu and walked into my section and sat down. I noticed him when I was running some drinks. Now at this point there are only two servers on the floor, and I'd been there since 3:00 on a day I don't normally work, AND my darvocet-induced cheeriness has worn off a few hours ago. I took my sweet old time getting to him. I made sure I finished with ALL my other tables before I got to him, and even then he was hollering at me to come serve him. I could really have cared less, and it turned out his was mentally unstable as well. Oh happiness.

He ordered soup and wanted me to fill his giant insulated mug with coffee, which I did, then gave him the bare bones service until he got the heck out of there. It probably wasn't right but at that point I didn't give a shit about tips and just wanted to go home and go to bed.

I had yesterday off and my next day off will be next Thursday, so six days of some fun and crazy shifts. The good news is I'm back up to full time status, and with the extra that I generally stay I'll probably hit 40 this week, which means I'll get to go home sooner on one or two days. Yay!

A Pleasant Surprise

2009-06-11T03:40:00.000-07:00

FINALLY a day off. I did have one on Tuesday but it consisted of me sitting in bed and coughing my lungs out, so I don't think that really counts. My schedule is going to be crazy next week, and I won't have another day off until next Thursday. That's good though, I like having money.

I also found out some interesting things about why I was getting fewer hours. Apparently the manager scheduling assumes that everybody likes two days off in a row. I could care less about having consecutive days off, I just like having at least two a week somewhere if possible. That being said, she's having me work Wednesdays now, whereas before I generally had Wednesdays and Thursdays off. I also spoke to her last night and let her know that I was available for all shifts now. A few months ago I still had another part time job, which limited my open times to evenings, but now I have total free time, as well as living less than a five minute walk away from work. If swing shift wasn't so desperately understaffed she'd probably put me on graveyard more often, which is great. Graveyard can be a tough shift if it's slow but I like seeing the morning come in.

Anyway, back to the title of the post. I had some retarded tables yesterday, with some tips barely hovering around 10%, but one table surprised the crap out of me. They had a baby which of course meant a mess on the floor, but before leaving they grabbed a little vacuum nearby and cleaned up the floor beneath their table! I was completely amazed. A few peopled will just tip extra, but they actually vacuumed themselves. I didn't get a chance to thank them for it but I hope that the Almighty Karma of the Restaurant Gods finds them and smiles upon them. They certainly deserve it.

The Customer is Always "Right"

2009-06-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

A popular phrase among annoying customers today is 'The Customer is always right!' Well I'm sorry, but I beg to differ, as does Violent Acres and all the workers submitting stories here. Just before I left I was seating group of four led by a rather twitchy young woman who wanted to be 'sat together, but not together', meaning they wanted two booths side by side. I asked the server who I was seating, and he said it was fine, as they weren't particularly busy just yet, and I'm sure he just treated it as one table and separated the bills. As I was walking away from seating them, her significant other made a comment about how difficult she was being. Her reply was, "Oh I used to work in a restaurant. We can have ANYTHING we want!!!"

Now either her idea of a restaurant is Springs1's donut shop or her manager was one of the most kiss-ass people in the entire industry. Either way, I would have hated to work there.

To be honest, I really DON'T mind going the extra mile for you, making modifications, checking to make sure the kitchen receives them all, getting them out to you correctly. Just PLEASE be POLITE about it for goodness' sake! My last table of the night wanted all sorts of things extra and subtracted, even an item that wasn't available on the daytime menu, but I worked it all out with my manager and the table was extremely grateful and friendly. If you're in a bad mood, or not able to be friendly, leave a bigger tip! Yes, it's my job to get your food, and your condiments, and your drinks, etc., but I am doing extra work when you need extra things, and my tip should reflect that.

Not too bad of a night, all around. I almost lost my first table, a ten top, because of stupid section changes, but in the end I was able to keep them, and sadly enough their $11 tip made up about 40% of what I took home. I have more hours scheduled this week though, due to five people being on suspension, so hopefully the money will follow!

On Coupons and Split Checks

2009-06-09T03:42:00.001-07:00

I know this is probably just my opinion, as I've seen a lot of different thoughts on this while rummaging about the web, but if you have a coupon, it helps out a LOT to know ahead of time. Please, don't just plop it on the table off in the corner, or stick it in the receipt book when I bring out your bill, because then I have to make yet ANOTHER trip to track down a manager, instead of just grabbing it on my way to get your bill. You can let me know before you order, after you order, whatever, just please let me know beforehand! I LOVE people that say, "And just to let you know we have a coupon for so-and-so." This also helps me to know if what you're ordering is even COVERED by that coupon. I'd rather not make us both exasperated by having to tell you at the end of the night that you can't use that buy one get one entree free on a kid's meal and some onion rings.

The same goes with split checks. Sorry to offend you, people, but if you don't tell me, and it looks like you're not all together, I probably will ask before I start taking your order, especially on really busy nights. This just makes it ten times easier on me when I'm trying to separate all your food. Maybe I've gotten less tips for it, in fact I probably have, but if you don't tell me until I bring your check, that's a few more minutes I'm spending on your bill when I could be doing a number of other things that need to be doing.

I don't mind coupons, and I don't mind split checks, really. But please tell me about them both; I won't always remember to ask.

I Really Am Busy, I Promise!

2009-06-07T19:58:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to think I need to make up rules for customers. Everybody else is doing it, right? The only thing is I have a horrible memory when it comes to anything outside of my job so I'll probably fug it all up unless I keep a detailed list. Three things I can remember from today are as follows:

1. Unless otherwise stated, do NOT plop your asses at whatever table you see first!
Not only does this screw up our rotation, but it annoys the crap out of us and chances are good you will have to wait much longer for service than you would if you had just been patient for a few moments and let us seat you! We are NOT LYING when we say we'll be right with you! There are some restaurants that urge you to seat yourself, of course, but most have VERY VISIBLE SIGNS saying something to the effect of 'It Will Be Our Pleasure To Seat You'. If I ever have a restaurant the sign will be much more obvious. 'Shut Up and Wait Your Turn' has a very nice ring to it.

2. Food coming quickly from the kitchen does NOT mean we are not busy!
I know this seems like a contradiction, but I was incredibly insulted by a table today that ended up getting their meal comped. We had two very good cooks this shift, and most tables didn't wait more than MAYBE ten minutes for their meals. The only problem is neither of them like to hit the service bell very hard, so most of the time we don't know if our food is up or not. I brought the food out and the ladies exclaimed over how fast the food had been. "It's because they're not busy", one of them said, as I raced off to get drinks for the 6 top and two 4 tops that had just been seated in my section. Now I'm a very capable waitress, but when I'm feeling ill I really can't handle a big load. Turns out the ladies' food was very cold; my manager mercifully took over the table so I didn't have to deal with them anymore. I apologized to them, of course, but they said it wasn't my fault. Well yeah, it kinda was...the food was cold because I didn't get to the window in time to serve it hot. But whatever. I didn't have to serve them anymore so I didn't really care.

3. If something's wrong, TELL ME!
I had another table, two adults and a child, who complained when I delivered the food that their son's meal was different from the way they have always had it. I don't know if they normally come in on a shift other than mine or something, but EVERY server I know serves this meal the way I served it unless the customer specifies something different. 'This meal ALWAYS comes with sausage', says the father. 'Well I've never served it with anything but bacon, but of course I'd be more than happy to get the sausage for you instead.' I delivered the sausage, and I thought all was well until the end of the meal when they were filling out the comment card we drop with the bill. I noticed about 60% of the questions had 'no' checked off; as far as I know without having a card in front of me, they were questions like 'Was your food delivered the way you ordered it' and 'Did your server offer you dessert and inform you of our specials', etc., so basically about the service received. When I went to collect the bill the mother hid it in her lap, and put the comment card into the box herself on her way out. That's all well and good, of course, but what's management going to do? They'll read the card, call the customer and give them free food or something, and that's it. Please, for the love of god, if you have a problem with my service, TELL ME! Let me figure out how to serve you so I get money. Don't just leave me 2 bucks and plop a comment card into the box. Neither of us will benefit from that.

Aside from retarded customers, the management has really been ballsy lately. They've started sending people home who arrive late for their shift. That's good for those of us who like making money but when two servers are cut from what was originally a four floor it puts the two of us left in one hell of a bind. They've started suspending people for excessive write-ups, too, which can also be a result of being late. One waitress pulled a no-call, no-show (which is exactly what it sounds like for those of you who may not know) and was suspended when she showed up for her shift today.

Another change just implemented today, which sucks SO hard, is that the GM is cracking down on eating outside of breaks and purchased food. Basically if you don't have a slip in the system for the food you're eating, you get a write-up for thievery. If you're caught doing it twice, you're suspended. Same goes for cooks: no preparing food there isn't a slip for. I'm sure there are people that abuse this, but come on. Running around on a two floor, you haven't eaten all day, and they're going to write you up for wolfing a dinner roll so you don't faint on the customers? All this is really telling us is that day shift will REALLY start sucking, since that's the shift the GM works. Swing and grave will probably still be ok. I feel really bad for some of the cooks too, specifically one that's diabetic and needs to munch all day in order to keep his feet. We're really going to punish him for sitting down a moment and eating a piece of bread? Completely ridiculous.

So, a lot of changes going on right now, but hopefully the new rules and suspensions will 'cull the herd' in a sense, and get rid of the asshats that are forcing those of us who already work hard for a living to pick up their slack.

Oh, and one more bitchery - as if there was nobody to cover for me being sick today? I've covered shifts for people that have overslept, people that have been drunk, people that have had to leave for emergencies, but nobody can cover a bloody five hour shift? As fucking if.

Happy Anniversary!

2009-06-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

I realized today that it's been just about a year since I started working as a waitress, and my current restaurant is only the second one I've been in so far. I had a few fairly unhappy months as a retail bitch, but I know that serving is where I really love to be. Some people say that ANYBODY can be a server, and that may be true, but not anybody can be a GOOD server. There are some things that just can't be learned, like having a good personality, being able to hold up well under stress, and even the autopilot switch is something I think people are born with. Being able to shut your mind off and DO what needs to be done while still being friendly is an innate ability; I doubt it could be taught in training classes. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but the fact remains that some people completely shut down under stress, while others thrive and excel under it. I'm definitely one of the latter people. Give me a busy section any night of the week. It makes the time go faster, anyway.

Fairly busy night tonight, tips were ok. For you two ladies that came right at the beginning of the rush, Miss Honey Mustard and Cheesecake, thank you so much for being sweethearts. It's good to be able to bitch about a crappy tip and not be thought of as being ungrateful. I hope you come back soon!

Maybe It's Just Me...

2009-06-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

But how hard is it to say 'breakfast' and 'sandwich'? And 'potato', for that matter?!

I'm sorry, we don't serve breffust sammiches, nor do we have mushed buhdaydoes. Certain colloquialisms I can stand, and even find endearing, as they remind me of my family. The typical Mainer accent and harsh honesty, for example, as well as a lazy 'ayuh'.

But please, for your waitress's sanity, if your wife has a Quebecois accent so thick I can't understand her, translating her need for a baked buhdaydoe is not going to help things.

And for god's sake, don't order any sammiches for breffust.

Slow Week and 20 Questions

2009-06-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

Business has been SO slow lately. I don't know if it's just because the end of the month or what, but I'm so sick of being on swing shift. Today was a prime example of why swing sucks. Management's only been giving me 25 hours or so a week, which is not enough to make rent. Low hours coupled with me being really irresponsible means I'll probably have to pawn my Wii balance board and maybe a few games to make ends meet this month. It's mostly my fault, definitely, but having very few hours still really sucks when the there is a low customer flow.

The morning shift was really busy, as always, and because there's a carnival in town the graveyard shift was already slammed before the time I left. I counted at least three ten tops and most of the restaurant was already full with hardly anything less than a three top on each table. The kitchen was starting to crash though, which sucked. I'm kind of glad I didn't have to deal with that.

I did have a very interesting (a.k.a. humerous attempts to get free food, but irritating for me because it worked) table. They ordered nachos as an appetizer, then a chicken fried steak and a salad for the entree. Just before their entree was plated I went to check on them, only to have them tell me they found a hair in their nachos. There were a few conspicuous holes in their story, however...

1. They didn't 'find' the hair until the nachos were completely gone and the plate scraped clean.
2. The hair was very long and blonde. The two cooks had very short hair, as do I.
3. The hair didn't look matted or covered in anything; it looked like it had come straight off of the woman's head (who also, concidentally, had long blonde hair).

Of course I saw right through the story, but what can I do? I had to get the nachos taken off. That's about $8.00 coming off of the bill right there. Of course they still wanted their entrees, but I think they may have pulled the same stunt in the past; the woman had quite a well-practiced look of horror on her face. They still left a good tip, but I really would have rather had them leave no tip and paid for all their food. Just the principle of the thing, I think.

As far as interesting tables go, though, that was certainly not the crowning moment of the evening. Waitresses often get a lot of questions, personal or otherwise. I once had somebody ask me if I was a witch because of how I responded to something we talked about (I'm a strong believer in kinesthesiology and psychosomatic medicine), but nobody's directly questioned my sexuality like this guy did tonight. He came in with a regular who used to be a waitress at my restaurant. The regular came back in after a smoke, but he didn't, so I assumed he had left, and cleared his water from the counter. After he returned and joked that we shouldn't try to run him off because he was a beautiful person, I replied, "You're absolutely right. You should try out for Miss America, you're so beautiful."

The regular BURST out laughing, but the guy didn't seem so amused. I apologized for my sarcastic sense of humor, which earned me the most interesting question I've ever been asked.

"Are you gay?"

...Seriously? No, seriously?! As a matter of fact, I am a lesbian, but what the hell does that have to do with Miss America? I could understand if I was a guy, maybe, but my idea of beauty has nothing to do with the airbrushed, spray tanned, bleach blonde bimbos that exist in the pageant world. I'm much more of a goth girl. Anyway, his question caught me off guard, but I did say that I was a lesbian. Then came five more questions about my life, such as if I was married, was I engaged, would I marry a woman when I did marry, did I have kids, did I want kids, etc. etc. Finally I just laughed and walked away. Seriously? When it's people my age asking I'll definitely joke around with them about being gay (especially with this one really gorgeous redhead I met one night), but his questions just felt SO prying. I told Carrot about it and he was tickled pink about it all, since he's gay too.

I guess the lesson for all of you tonight is don't ask your waitress questions about her sex life, because you'll either get an offended waitress or more details than you really care to know. Neither will make your meal any more enjoyable!

Ugh. Some Days.

2009-05-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

Last night was just horrible on so many levels. Tips were decent and so were the people for the most part (except for the table not even in my section that complained I was ignoring them...um, duh?) but my coworkers were completely indecent. A server that came on at nine sent home another server that was at work at 5 pm (as opposed to 3 pm, like me) and didn't even ASK the four people that had come in at 3 pm and 4 pm respectively if they wanted to leave. The general rule for floor cuts at my restaurant is to ask the earlier people first, then work down the ladder. I really wanted to go home, so needless to say I was fairly pissed. Then the same manager decided to not sign me off on sidework until I had redone three different things that didn't even need to be fixed. I was literally crying when I finally got home; it was just a bad mood day all around.

Also, I found out Ossie got fired for having too many discounts in a certain time period. Really? I mean, really? For all her quirks, Ossie was very good at her job and is irreplaceable as far as sidework goes. She was ridiculously thorough (O.C.D. in the extreme) and could be hard to deal with sometimes, but all in all was an excellent waitress. The staff is definitely lessened by her absence.

Tonight, however, was pretty good. Tips sucked but I was in an excellent mood due to the three Darvocet I may or may not have ingested before work. My very last table of the night, however, was frightening. I got off the floor about half an hour early but still had to wait because this table had come in just before I got cut. They ordered four shakes, then complained because they didn't get the extra that usually comes with a single shake. Sorry, but at 10 p.m. I am NOT making four separate shakes. I'll make two and divide it. I just lied and said I had split them with another table. After ordering a dinner which includes tortillas, salsa, and sour cream, which we have to put together, and a salad, which we also have to make, and six servings of ranch (I couldn't help but think of Ribeye at this point), the finished their meal and left. I returned to their table to find...no money. The funny thing was, the book in which I left their bill was gone too. Quite suspicious. Naturally I asked all around if any of the other servers had done a credit card for them, but nobody had. I even asked the table across from them if they had seen anything, but again, nothing. Since the book was gone, I'm really thinking that they left cash, and some enterprising customer (or waitress) decided it was easy money and just swiped it. I'm out the $50.00 plus whatever tip they may have left.

Somebody, somewhere in the world, is walking around with a free $55.00 or more in their pocket. When I find them, I'm going to stab their eyeballs out with a celery stalk and smother them with tortillas.

OH, and I forgot to mention...

When I went to serve cheesecake today, I found some very interesting, though minuscule, blackish-blue spots on it. I compared it to another cheesecake and found that they were not present in the other cake. Apparently somebody decided to be lazy and just change the expiration date on the cheesecake instead of actually switching it out for a fresh one. What if somebody less observant had served that cheesecake? The restaurant EASILY could have been sued or even worse had somebody seen it or gotten ill. Servers, consider that other people's jobs could very possibly be at stake next time you have the urge to skimp on sidework.

A Thought

2009-05-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

This is something I've been wondering about but have never really examined. I'm interested in hearing what other people think.

If you order something and discover after a few bites that you don't like it, is it ok to order something else and expect the original meal to be taken off the bill?

I've always believed that when you order something, you've made your choice, and if you don't like it, too bad, it's what you decided on and you shouldn't have gotten it if you thought you might not enjoy it. That's just my thoughts, though. What do you think? Is it ok to order something else or should you just deal with it?

Back Pain and Pains in Butts

2009-05-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

After getting about four hours of sleep last night I went into a dead shift. I had probably fewer than ten tables all night long. It's days like these I REALLY miss working the morning shift, which is always super busy. I really hope this other restaurant job pans out - there's no way I'm going to be able to pay rent on such crappy hours and table volume. It doesn't help that my sciatica is being the worst it has been in months. Maybe it's the humidity? Do any of you have nerve pain and what works best to make it go away? I've tried ibuprofen, doctor gave me Vicoden which did nothing, and now I'm trying Flexeril and Darvocet. We'll see if any of that helps.

Except for making no money tonight was full of pretty good tables. Reading Ribeye's blog has really made me want to be a server again, and I feel like I'm more motivated. Maybe I have Springs1 to thank for that, though! I had a party of six teenagers come in before prom, and automatically I'm thinking how horrid this table is going to be. I was a bit cool at first, but they were fairly polite and tipped just about 20%. They weren't loud or making a big mess either; I'm sure most of that was because they didn't want to get their formal clothes dirty. The rest of my tables were two and three tops that didn't order very much, but were quite sweet anyway.

One of my regulars, though, was so sweet he made me blush! The dress code allows us to wear skirts and shorts if we want, but I've only worn a skirt once before because I firmly believe that wearing a dress or skirt with sneakers is one of the worst fashion faux pas in existence. A few days ago I got two new pairs of work shoes, one of which is a cute little heel with a silver buckle on the tongue.

Pretty lovely, aren't they? So I went with it and wore a skirt. This regular will sit at the counter and even though I didn't have counter today I stopped and said hi. He said, "I just want to tell you that you look amazing in a skirt. I almost whistled when you came in! You look WONDERFUL!!!" I turned bright red and said thank you about eight million times. Keep in mind this is an old guy and seems aloof, but is always nice and will talk to you as long as you talk to him first. I have such a horrible body image that a compliment like that just makes my head spin and gives me the warm fuzzies for hours after.

So I won't be able to make the rent on time, but damned if I don't feel wonderful anyway.

Oh, I also got these shoes:

I've always loved the Doc Marten style, and these are dressy enough that I could probably get away with wearing a skirt with these too. I got these from Shoes for Crews, a wicked cool program that takes the cost of the shoes out of your paycheck over two or three checks, so you don't end up with just one non-existent paycheck. Unfortunately only your employer can set up an account, as it's run via the payroll department directly to the SFC company itself. I guess this is ONE cool thing about working in a corporate environment - you're not stuck with cheap and ugly WalMart shoes!

Luck O' the Draw

2009-05-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

You ever have a night with constant section swapping? You know what I mean, you start out with tables 14-17 and then when more people come in an hour it's 10-13, then the hour after that it's 18-21... It's nice in a way because you only have to deep clean the section you're officially assigned on the schedule, but still a pain in the ass if you have tables in your old section and your new one is getting double-sat by an inexperienced host that is convinced 'the customer is always right' (I like to add '-except when they're wrong...').

Anyway after swapping tables like spit at a prom, one of my coworkers ended up with table 14, which is fairly close to the door and is usually a prime spot for crippled people, old people, and runners. This coworker, we'll call him Carrot, is a very polite waiter, never shows anger or irritation at his tables, and seems to get fairly decent tips. This lady and her mom walk in, and after demanding table 14 we could all sense that this would NOT end well. I was in the back room for most of the exchange so I didn't get to see everything that happened, but it started with this lady claiming it was her birthday and wanting a free dessert. We don't advertise this, but we do give free birthday desserts if we're asked. Her mom ordered an entree at the same time. When the mom's entree came out I ran it for Carrot, as he was stuck at the table with this lady, trying to show her why a side salad cost so much ($2.99) as opposed to a salad subbed in for a side ($1.99). This lady was having none of it. It took no less than HALF AN HOUR and a MANAGER VISIT for her to stop asking questions about the menu and the salad. The whole time this mom was just silent, eating away.

Finally this lady decided she wanted a kid's meal, grilled cheese and mashed potatoes, to go. Carrot puts it in, and another coworker, we'll call her Ossie, ran it to the table. The lady opens the to go box and starts picking apart the grilled cheese! I was standing at the hostess stand rolling silverware, and she keeps looking at me, so of course I go over to her and ask what's going on. "This grilled cheese, I didn't expect it to be so mutilated. It's over cooked. And the potatoes don't have enough gravy on them."

Now about this grilled cheese. This was possibly one of the more perfect grilled cheese specimens I've seen in my lifetime. Golden grilled, cheese all melty on the inside, just beautiful. Ossie, who has very little patience for irritating customers, took it away and told the cook to redo it, basically telling him to undercook it. When the remake was done, she took it back, and the lady again set to picking apart her grilled cheese. The complaint this time? "It's not done enough, and there's only one slice of cheese in here, I thought it came with two..."

...

You have got to be effing kidding me. At this point I felt so sorry for Carrot and the almost two hours he and the manager had to spend on this table. This lady had also asked for a side of fries. When Ossie came back with the remade grilled cheese, the lady complained that 'there weren't enough fries in the order'. Ossie, again, has no patience, and doesn't take bullshit. She flat out told the lady that she'd add a kid's side of fries but she'd charge her the $.99, it wasn't going to be free. The lady said fine, and Ossie puts it in. About three minutes later the crazy lady decides that $.99 is too much to pay for extra fries and tells Ossie to cancel it. Unfortunately they were already made, so the cooks just gave it to the waitstaff to munch on and and Ossie had to take it off the bill. The free fries were probably the only upside to this entire interaction.

At this point Carrot, who had been sent out by the manager for a smoke break before he killed us all, had come back in, and the lady flags him down for her free dessert. I was filling my sugar nearby and heard her order it thus:

"I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream and a medium amount of hot fudge. I don't want a teeny bit and I don't want it totally covered. I want a medium amount. And I want nuts. And whipped cream, do you have whipped cream? And a cherry. In a to go cup."

Carrot just politely agrees and goes to get it ready for her. Finally the lady leaves and her mom, who has been nearly silent this whole time, pays the bill and gives Carrot a $10.00 tip. After apologizing for her daughter, she left too.

Did I mention how butt-ugly this lady was? Greasy brown hair and the most hideous makeup I've ever seen. Imagine a raccoon's eyes, but with DARK RED instead of black. I thought she was really sick at first, then I got close and realized it was makeup. Is this attractive these days?!

I think I'm understating how truly horrific this whole experience was for Carrot and Ossie, but honestly, this lady was probably a close relative of Springs1. They seem to have the same ideas about what they're owed by us lowly servants.

Uhhh...

2009-04-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but a tract inviting me to church is NOT a tip.

If you really want to impress me and get me into your church, leave a big tip AND a tract. Then I'll know you're not just talking out of your ass about being kind and generous and all that fun stuff.

A tract is not a tip.

Sorry About Being Absent!!

2009-03-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

Man, I have BUTTLOADS of stories to tell, but because of working 8 hour days on the swing shift (ugh) I just never have the energy to get on here and tell them. I'll treat you with a lovely story of one of the most ridiculously immature people I've ever met.

Granted, she's 17, high school student, so naturally there are laws about how soon she has to be out of the restaurant and how late she's allowed to work, but in my opinion this is still a JOB and needs to be treated as such, not only in regards to customer service but in respect to her coworkers. This girl abuses her position regularly. For example when there are floor cuts she's ALWAYS the first to go, even if there are others who have been on the floor for longer that shift. She seldom completes all her sidework, is often rude to customers, and whines incessantly when she doesn't get her way. The ONE TIME I was let off early she was slamming things around and complaining, as well as giving everybody the silent treatment, until she was allowed to go home too. Sorry, but if anybody else acted the way she did they'd be fired quite fast.

Not ONLY does she abuse the floor cuts, but she COMES BACK INTO THE RESTAURANT THAT SAME NIGHT and expects us to wait on her!!! Why?! If I was let off the floor, I sure as HELL would not rub it in my co-workers faces by making them wait on me half an hour before we get to go home!!! It seems completely unfair, and especially irritating to me. Maybe I'm just overreacting but that's how I feel.

The other day, however, she had a little bit of customer feedback that made me horribly smug. Apparently she had a party of maybe 8 for a birthday, and the customers were INCREDIBLY dissatisfied with her service. They spoke to the manager for nearly an hour regarding her performance, about the tip she COULD have gotten, and all manner of fascinating things. I hope she gets a reprimand but she'll probably whine her way out of it, since of course nothing is her fault.

On the plus side of this whole job, there are a few regulars that I've gotten to know well, and while they don't tip much, the pleasure of being able to speak with them and have them make my job easier definitely pays me more than any money could. I filled in for the graveyard shift for one girl (making a 14 hour day for me but the tips were decent) and not only did they make sure to tell my manager the next day about the great job I did, but one of them came to the restaurant and stayed with me for two hours while I was the only waitress on the floor. Honestly, no amount of money can buy the devotion these guys get from me. It's nice to have a lot of respect from people.

What The %&@K?

2009-01-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

*he walks in, I start pouring him coffee, since he's a regular*

Me: You want cream?
Him: Yeah lots of it. And come back here with that coffee pot. I need some room in this cup for that cream.

*I pour some of it out. (Now, bear in mind, my sense of humor is really sarcastic, but ALL the other regulars are totally fine with it and joke around.)*

Me: Now you're just making this harder for me...

*give the cup back*

Me: (sarcastically) Is THAT satisfactory?
Him: Oh, no way. *walks out*
Me: ............!?

Meh. I started crying. It just hurt you know? Sorry I'm really sarcastic? Sorry I was rude? I got talked to by the manager. Of course I'll apologize but I'M SORRY I'M NOT FUCKING PSYCHIC AND CAN'T READ YOUR DAMNED MIND WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.

This guy's a douche to begin with but I'm not serving him again.

UPDATE: 5/15 I did indeed end up serving this guy again and while he usually only gets coffee, he is quite more polite to me. I've overheard from him talking about some of his conversations that he is very stubborn and borderline rude, and used to getting his way. I suppose since I make an effort to say hi to him and be polite he is satisfied with his position of superiority.

Also, I've figured out why certain of our regulars are regulars: it's because they can sit around and brag and pretend to know everything and nobody will correct them, since they're paying customers. Aren't I brilliant?

All There Is to Say...

2009-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

...is thank all the gods that exist and the Almighty Karma of the Restaurant Industry that tonight is over.

What a day.

I'll Never Understand

2009-01-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, as a general rule I DESPISE serving kids. They're loud, demanding, irritating, loud, messy, rambunctious, and pretty loud, too. Of course there are some exceptions, the kids whose parents have taught them the CORRECT way to act in a restaurant, but kids today really have no hope. Take the table I had today, a six top, three kids, three adults. The poor father seemed henpecked half to death. His wife and (presumably) her mother were incredibly loud and demanding, while he more or less did his best to keep order and be polite. The kids seemed to have picked up some manners from dad (one particularly cute girl said thank you to everything I brought her) but as a whole the family was just preposterous.

One thing I hate even MORE than serving kids is BAD TIPPERS. I got the lot tonight. This same family had about an $80 bill.

Tip?

Five bucks. Five freakin' bucks. That's something like 5.5% Honestly? Am I really THAT bad of a waitress?!

The thing that's so nice about the Almighty Karma of the Restaurant Industry is that it's almost assured that when you have an asshole/cheap table you'll have a table that are the kindest people you could ever hope to meet. At the same time as this six top I had a little table of two that were really just killing time with the restaurant's free Wi-Fi. They were waiting for their son to need a ride back from a concert and I had set them up at a table with some coffee and tea. After about half an hour the battery in the lady's laptop started dying and they asked to move to the only accessible power outlet, which of course I said was fine since they would be moving out of my zone and would give me a free table. I checked back with them a few times and then dropped the bill, after which I got rather busy and didn't have time to go pick up any payment. When I finally got the chance to go back, they had left $7 on the table.

Their bill was only $3.50.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like much, but it's the percentage of it all more than the actual amount. I'd take a 100% tip on a $5.00 bill any day instead of a 5.5% on an $80. That tells me that the people I'm serving really appreciate what I'm doing for them, and know that I've gone out of my way to do something special.

I guess it all evens out eventually, but I still hate serving kids and shitty tippers.

YAY Comment Cards!

2009-01-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

Got TWO today, from entirely different tables, basically saying what we all CLEARLY already know, about how incredible a waitress I am, how lovely my smile is, and how gosh-darned pretty I am.

What's the worst and/or best comment card YOU'VE ever gotten?

A Dilemma

2009-01-12T03:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been through training in corporate restaurants, answer me this:

With the understanding that tips generate much of a server's income, would you, as a trainee, keep tips given directly to you by tables or turn them in to your trainer?

And, with the understanding that your trainee is doing an excellent job, would you, as a trainer, allow your trainee to keep the tips given directly to her?

I guess I'm a little irritated that I'm doing a lot of work and getting pretty much nothing for it. So is it ok to keep the tips given directly to me by patrons? Or am I required to give them to my trainer? I am a little flabbergasted on this one. I've never worked for a corporate chain so I don't know all the rules.

Back at Work!

2009-01-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

After several months (ok...four) suffering in retail and unemployment, I've finally landed another restaurant job. Training starts Thursday, and I'll have a heck of a day Sunday. Six a.m. to two p.m. at the restaurant, then three p.m. to who knows when (probably past midnight) still at the store.

Good lord I'll be tired.

Mad Waitress FAQ!!!

2008-10-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

Alright! Now that I'm unemployed (yay?) I have a bit of time to catch up on my blogging, so I'm going to introduce some of the ridiculous FAQ's that waitstaff has to deal with. But I need some help! So...

What are some of the retarded, insane, or downright WTF?! questions that you've been asked throughout your waitstaff career?

Oh. My. God.

2008-09-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Read this. Read it now.

Waitstaff Poll

2008-09-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

A question for all of you crazy-ass people out there who make your living by faking everything (waitstaff, that is) as well as our customers:

Which is a better practice? To offer things your table might need (refills, butter, coffee, etc.) or wait to be asked?

Personally I tip better when a waitress offers services. I feel like I've been taken better care of that way.

What do you think?

BLEARGH!!!

2008-09-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

What a day. What a fucking day. DRAMA up the wazoo! Not only did one of our best waitress AND our sous chef get accused of stealing (by another waitress! A NEW ONE!!!) but we got decently busy without a lot of money earned from it. No fewer than FIVE tables of Brits (no less than a five top each), who, as I've learned from dear Manuel, are notoriously bad tippers (or are those Australians? I forget). Lovely accents, the lot of them, but the industry standard of tips must be a bit lower over there. 10% after I give you a damn good experience while serving a seven top and a few two tops is NOT my idea of fair play.

But the main thing I want to complain about is how people think waitresses are minimum-wage, mentally disabled, middle school drop outs with nothing better ahead of them. We have an appetizer plate of nachos, quite a good size, and piled high with chili, cheddar cheese, jalapeno peppers, onions, olives, all sorts of lovely stuff. Naturally some people don't like all this flotsam (I hate olives myself), but the chili IS homemade and DOES contain onions and hot peppers, a fact we communicate to the customer when they order.

Cunty McWhoreface: I'd like an order of nachos please, no olives, hot peppers, or onions.

Masquerade the Pretty Waitress: Sure, not a problem! I just need to let you know that there are hots and onions in the chili.

Cunty McWhoreface: ...oh. Well in that case, I'll just have the hot peppers and onions on the side.

M.t.P.W: *pausing to think if the kitchen would do that or if I should just say they won't*

Cunty McWhoreface: Does that make sense to you?

M.t.P.W: ... *"Oh no she DIDN'T!!!!!"* Um, yes. Kitchen won't do it on the side. Would you like them off or on?

Cunty McWhoreface: Oh, just off then.

...Seriously? Does it look like I'm pausing to translate what you just said into retard-speak? Oh, and just for the record, NO our deck is not open. The customers out there are JUST FOR DECORATION!!!

AND READ THE FUCKING MENU!!!!

From Somebody Who Gives a Shit

2008-09-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Jeannie is a very good friend of mine and has an opinion about nearly everything, not the least of which is waitressing. Here's what she has to say about our chosen 'profession':

Dear Masquerade:

As for the "hospitality industry" (yeah, Canadians gave it a PC name) I have never had the divine pleasure of being a waitress or hostess or even a barista but I do have experience in the clubs. Taverns and roadhouses actually, not happening "fun" shit.. :lol:
For close to a decade (okaaaay, maybe a bit more..don't remind me of my passing years today…) I worked periodically in a traveling comedy show which did almost completely bar venues (give or take a few hotels and conventions).We had a "local" but it was mostly just an elaborate drunken dress rehearsal…

While at said bars - our troupe was not elite and we were very "Downeast". Being in your area - you know what that means - we rolled up our sleeves and we worked our asses off, not just at our own tasks but we actually pitched in with the staff at whatever local joint we got jammed into. It wasn't their fault that they got stuck with us after all…

Pre-show we mingled and pretended to be regular customers (for the benefit of the other customers, the staff knew, it was part of the show) post-show it was pretty much the same, but during - behind the lights - we were kitchen/bar/maintenance and all around "we're here, what needs fixin'?" types… The staff wherever were usually grateful because we did bring much chaos in our wake…

I have seen the disgusting shit that so-called "respectable" folks pull on their waitstaff. I've had people pull shit on me when I was in "shooter girl" mode or even "Hey bartender bitch…" and its gross. They made enormous kindergarten messes and laughed as though thats how they were supposed to behave, they spit chewed food and crap on the tables and floors, left penny tips and sat back to giggle, complained just to see their waitress squirm, made up shit just because they were cranky and needed a dog to kick…

I know what y'all go through, by semi-proxy and I do not envy you a single beat of it.

When I go out - I'm constantly clearing my own table and taking shit to the counters, I rearrange and stack my own plates to leave for the poor person who has to clear the table, I even go up to the kitchen gate myself sometimes if I only need water or soda…

The waitresses don't usually get mad at me either, in fact a few have actually smiled and asked which joint was my "homebase" becauise a civilian in the hospitality battle is usually an indecent pig and only another service soldier could possibly be so considerate and self sufficient.

If anyone really reads this - please - your waitress/waiter is a human being, they have blood in those veins and likely a family they need to feed. They have to clean your messes and smile at your jokes, they have to stand and nod when you berate them in front of everyone because you have had a bad day. They have to do this all fucking day long and with some of the meanest and dirtiest folks you could imagine, and then… They go home and do it for free for their families and shit. Every fucking day.

Have some respect - if not for them, they're just your server, right? Then have some respect for yourself because we do remember and we do become jaded and bitter and we are not infallible and someday we may very likely spit in your goddamn "Cook my home fries separate so they don't get salt on them and bring me salt so that I can pickle them myself thus making an extra ten minutes of work and cleaning for you just because I'm a fucking self righteous asshat.." righteous order. Yeah, and we ARE laughing at you, NOT with you.

Seriously?

2008-09-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe this!

You have to read it right now!!!

ANSWERS, People!

2008-09-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stiffed (no tip) a waiter when they deserved something? Yes, but it was an accident, and we went back and tipped him a whole lot!!!
Have you ever done a runner? I assume that's leaving without paying? Nope.
Have you claimed that you had a booking when you didn't? Uhhhh...No. *innocent look*
Have you ever sent the wine back? Don't drink wine.
Have you ever told the waiter the food was really lovely but in fact you hated it but didn't want to hurt his feelings? YES.
Have you ever flirted with the waiter? (male or female waiter) I think so, but I was younger so it shouldn't count.
Have you ever had a glass of wine thrown over you during a lovers tiff in a restaurant? Nope.
Have you ever pocketed the cutlery/salt and peppers/glasses/toilet roll from the restaurant? LOL no!!!
Have you ever sworn at the waiter? Nah, they get enough shit without more from me.
Do you fill in the comment card? Very rarely.
Has your credit card been declined in a restaurant? Not yet, thank god!
Have you ever noticed lipstick on your glass, drink most of the contents then send it back and demand a fresh one? EW!!! No. I would send it back immediately.
Have you ever asked the waiter to sell you his shirt? Not really.
Have you ever fallen asleep in a restaurant? Most likely!
Have you ever taken part in a lewd sexual act in a restaurant, either with someone or on your own? Not that I'm going to talk about!
Have you ever demanded to see the chef? Nope. I'm pretty easy going when it comes to restaurants.
Have you ever over heard the waiter talking about you? I'm WAY too sweet for that!
Have you ever refused to pay for a meal? Nope. I'd only do that if they seriously messed it up and made no efforts to fix it.
Have you ever asked the waiter to send your compliments to the chef? Nah.
Has a waiter ever swore at you? LOL!! I hope not!
Have you ever completed the comment card with fake details and written "Topless waiters and free beer" in the Ideas for Improvement section? No!!
Have you ever played musical chairs in a restaurant, I mean asked to move more than once? Never ever, and that was before I ever started waiting tables.
Have you ever left a restaurant because you spotted an ex? Nope.
Have you ever gone to a "fancy" restaurant on your lonesome? Does Denny's count? LOL
Does the waiter ever make you feel inferior? No, usually it's the other way around.
Have you ever said JUICE instead of JUS? When the hell would I ever go to a fancy enough place to NEED to say 'au jus'?
Do you enjoy a lovely smoke between courses? Don't smoke.
Have you ever taken your cutlery to the bathroom to polish it? No but that's a fantastic idea.
Have you ever complained about the waiter? OFTEN.
Have you ever enjoyed a beautiful meal whilst off your mong on class A drugs? LOL!! Sounds like another incredible idea.
Have you ever stormed out in a huff in the middle of a meal? Nope.
Have you ever slipped the waiter your phone number? Never found one attractive enough.
Do you really pay attention when the waiter tells you the specials? Occasionally.
Have you ever suspected the waiter or someone has tampered with your food? I've never been a bad enough patron to need to suspect.
Have you ever met your waiter in the street, said hello, but not know where you knew him from? Nope.
Do you get paranoid when the waiter takes your credit card? No, but often I've had customers scribble out their account numbers and lecture me on how dangerous it is to have that system. Like I can (or care about) do anything about it?
Have you ever physically threatened the waiter? LOL!!! Nope.
Has the waiter ever physically threatened you? Dear Lord, no.
Have you ever left a restaurant and had to go get something else to eat? Only dessert.
Have you ever reached for a slice of the waiters sugar loaf (bum)? Ew.
Have you ever felt the need to scream at somebody because of the noise coming from their children? ONLY EVERY DAY.
Have you ever got the impression that the waiter was talking about you? Nope.
Have you ever been so drunk in a restaurant, head like a rag doll and arms like lead, that you couldn't eat your meal? Don't really drink.
Do you like your food to come "on a bed of..." something? A bed of...nubile virgins?
Do you panic or become slightly worried when your credit card is being processed even though you know there is cash in your account? Yep. Often.
Have you ever pointed at the menu to tell the waiter what you want because you couldn't pronounce what it was? Once or twice. My family does it all the time.
Have you ever done something so really embarrassing in a restaurant that you cant go back? Not that I can remember, but I might have blocked it out.
Have you ever seen the waiter pick his nose or scratch his bum or fiddle with his armpits during a meal? Did this make you feel sick? Oh dear god.
Have you ever told the waiter you hated your food in order to get discount but really you loved it? Nope.
Have you ever taken a seat in a restaurant, looked at the menu, realised you are in over your head, been forced to come up with an excuse like "Oh sorry we just realised we have to pick up our kid", and beat a hasty retreat to the nearest Pizza Hut? I've definitely thought about it!